I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
