God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
