just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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