Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
