toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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