All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
