Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
