anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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