why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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