Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(703): View more from Virginia

maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.

(859): View more from Kentucky

i did. i'm using it as a microphone.

Fav 8 3381 899
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(520): View more from Arizona

I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.

Fav 8 3251 840
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(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

Fav 10 6193 1673
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(805): View more from California

I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.

Fav 8 4380 1292
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(316): View more from Kansas

How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.

Fav 15 2895 2121
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(512): View more from Texas

I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.

Fav 10 2927 2097
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(214): View more from Texas

He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks

Fav 6 1405 904
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(818): View more from California

I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.

Fav 0 94 76
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(615): View more from Tennessee

Can you come over?

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Sex??

(615): View more from Tennessee

Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.

Fav 0 96 4
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