textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
