Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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