Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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