Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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