just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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