What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
foreskin is a definite game changer
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
