i love accidental penises.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
