My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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