Your tits are I can't wait for
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
