Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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