i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
