And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
