Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
