So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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