I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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