It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I need water and some morals
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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