I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
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