His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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