1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish you could order shots online.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
