Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
