Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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