Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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