I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
