I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
