Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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