Where did you get a picture of my penis
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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