No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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