I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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