I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
