my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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