Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
