So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
