She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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