I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
