We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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