When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
