ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
