I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
