My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
