I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
