The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
