Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
